Tafryn's Lego Disaster

Hi Fanny Fans,

Here's a funny video I secretly filmed of Tafryn building Lego while I got Quentin the gay moose to destroy what he built! haha...

New Video Luvs

Hi Luvs, I'm pretty pissed at the moment, but here's a video to enjoy.

Quentin Clapper: I'm Alive

Writing this very quickly. I'm alive. Escaped them the other day since that video text. Just grabbed this pic of some. Still in hiding. Will update you soon. HELP ME.

Fanny Loveless: True Confessions

Dear Quentin, I don't know if you will ever read this, or even if you ever read anything ever again but... I have a confession to make.

The Dutch authorities weren't just on a random raid, they were there specifically looking for you, and the reason I know that is because... I was the one who told them.

I'm so so fucking sorry. Seriously I am loves, really well and truly. I never thought you'd end up in that crazy Quarantine Prison, I just thought they would deport you back to the UK!

I am racked with guilt every second of the day, Really. Well OK, when I listen to the new Jedward song I don't feel so bad. Or if I'm drinking wine. Or having a fag. Or eating some trill. Or watching some telly. Or looking at porn on the Internet. But when I'm not doing any of those things I'm feeling really sad and guilty. Well, unless Aunty Hy or Winnifred Lesbo Bulldyke or Montel or the fucking pig are trying to talk to me in which case I'm just pissed off. But the rest of the time. Guilty as hell.

I'm trying to formulate some sort of plan to help you, on the off chance you're still alive and managing to survive in the zombie-infested quarantine facility somehow. OK! Not zombie-infested, zombies aren't real that's just stupid, but you know what I mean. The rabid-genetically-modified-animal infested quarantine facility. If you're reading this please find some way to let me know you survive!

Love from your old dear Fanny x

Quentin in Quarantine! (Updated by Fanny Loveless)

Hey Fanny Flaps,

Fucking Hell! What have I done! I just had this video message in from Quentin! He looks like he's in some sort of demonic Animal Quarantine!

Quentin Clapper: Two-Dicks in Amsterdam (and then some!)

Aunty Hyacinth! Oh Fanny you must be absolutely LOVING that, now be on your best behaviour. I would suggest knocking her off but knowing you it’ll be obvious and you’ll get thrown in jail and lose all the inheritance! Uh I’m such a bitch! When Montel arrives back you have to tell him everything about what I’ve been up to, it’ll drive him mad! Oh and try spiking his drinks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried it on with Aunty Hyacinth if you can get him off his face!

Anyway, Amsterdam is amazing, after I left the docks at Den Haag it didn’t take me long to hitch a ride. Since I figured none of these dirty foreigners could speak English, instead of writing a sign I just drew a picture of me in a suggestive position. Well anyway, some rough piece of trade in an Edam Lorry picked me up, and guess what – it turns out most people over their do speak English so they’re not so backwards after all! It only took about an hour to reach Amsterdam, and once we were there I paid him off on the top of a pile of stinky cheese and set off on my way!

Amsterdam is gorgeous, I mean really Fanny it’s pretty amazing, it makes Bristol look even worse if that's possible. The culture, the shopping, the atmosphere.... oh who am I kidding I've just spent the whole time in the red light district! Sex shops, brothels, saunas AMAZING it makes Old Market Street look like a cardboard box with a rat living in it. Well obviously I don't have any money but luckily I managed to get a job at a gay massage parlour. Gonna keep this one short and sweet as I have to get back to work, listen I'm gonna see if I can do a job over on one of the rich clients. WIll keep you updated!

Stay in touch!!!!!!

Quentin Clapper: Sea and Semen, er, Sea-men

Fanny you old slag! I just found your blog when idly googling for my own name again!

Firstly, I can't believe those cunts let me blow away and then didn't try to rescue me. Tossers! The wind was so rough and wild, I seemed to be in the air for hours. I must've passed out  when in the air as I just remember waking up and being wet. Really wet. Wetter than that time you pissed on me when you caught me slipping razor blades into your trill. I was floating in the salty, salty water and I could feel all my energy slipping from my nubile attractive body. Luckily, as I felt like I was about to meet the great reindeer in the sky I spotted a cargo ship drifting past, and so I summoned my last ounce of juice and hollered.

The shouting worked. The Cargo Ship had spotted me and it came to the rescue! A net was thrown overboard, and I was hauled on board. I think the sailors were disappointed at first as they thought I was some kind of exotic fish or tasty treat, little did they know that they were my tasty treat! There were three of them, all burly, built and bearded, and they were going to haul my cute ass back into the ocean when I started crying and begged them to let me stay on board. I don't think they understood English at all, but luckily they understood the international language of love, well lust, well, cock.

When they saw me seductively lick my lips and eye their bulges they knew were I was coming from. Before I knew it two of them were spit-roasting me and the third, the biggest one of the lot was wanking off into my face. After this terrible ordeal they let me sleep for a few hours, (I refer you to the pic above) but then they were constantly having their way with me every day and night. It was 4 days before we were ashore and I was knackered.

We pulled into a harbour at Den Haag, I remember as I thought "Hag, just like Fanny!" and I think they were planning on keeping me locked on board ship ready for when they set off again, but quite frankly, I was sick of their cocks and wanted some fresh meat - literally! So I was going to plan how to get back home but then I thought fuck it, when's the next time you're going to get this prime opportunity to go to Amsterdam, Cock Capital of the planet! So I strutted down to the nearest motorway or whatever the fuck they call their sorry excuses for roads in Holland and set about hitch hiking a ride!

Quentin does Amsterdam! I'll tell you more later! See you soon, say hi to my cousin for me and tell him where I am, he'll love that! Uhhhhhh-huh-huh-huuuuh!!!!!!!

Fanny Loveless: Desperately Seeking Quentin

Quentin Clapper. Less a man, and more a reindeer. Or maybe a moose. The reason for this blog in the first place. Let me explain....

It all started so well. I had fled Liverpool after local cops were under the mistaken impression that a string of arson attacks in the area may have been down to me. Utter bollocks of course. Just because I think that Twiggy's a stupid old cunt with a saggy turkey neck doesn't mean I'm gonna take my anger out on the local branches of M&S. So anyway, I fled Liverpool and arrived at Bristol, aka the UK's number 1 shit-hole. So I moved in with some gays who let me use their place to make my award-winning Fanny Factor videos, reviewing hit ITV show The X Factor.

And then Quentin moved in.

Quentin & I... or should that be me & Quentin... whatever... anyway we hit it off immediately. That's to say, I hit him immediately. He wound me up the wrong way. The little fucking tosser. Pissing me off when I'm filming the Fanny Factor, getting in my face, and so I beat him. But then he started fighting back. Drugging me, attacking me with baseball bats, you know the usual stuff.

Due to our constant fighting I was amused, happy, abso-fucking-lutely delighted when he was lost at sea in a wind-related accident. At first. I may be a masserkist. A masocrist. A... a.... oh fuck it, I may be someone who likes bad things happening to me(?) but I miss Quentin. I need him there to argue with, and to fight! My life is just not the same without him.

So if you're reading this Quentin, come the fuck back you little twat. And if someone else sees this who knows his whereabouts get in touch with me ASAP! I promise a reward! (A signed picture of me).

Cheers ma dears! SQUUUUUAAAAAAAAAKKKK!