Quentin Clapper: Quarantine!

Oh my GOD! Fanny, you are never going to believe what's happened to me!

I was working at the Gay Brothel Sauna Thing as usual a few days ago when there was a bust! It was a normal afternoon, the sun was shining outside and I was inside getting spitroasted by a big hairy Arabic bloke (who had the arse) and a mincing little Japanese twink (who had the mouth) when suddenly a dozen suited&booted armed officers came storming in.

At first I just thought there was some kind of kinky role play going on, but one of the officers handcuffed me, and didn't even try and stick his dick anywhere near me. A large cloak was thrown over my head and then I must've been led out of the sauna and threw in a van, it was cold in there and smelt of petrol and old piss.

After a few hours the van stopped and I was hauled out. Fanny I've no idea where I am! Except that it's scary and according to the signs it's some sort of Quarantine facility? A man chucked me into a cage and started shouting at me about immigration, visas and animal control laws. I've no idea what he was on about but I've been kept in the cage ever since.

Luckily, while I was working I had my i-phone rammed up my hole for safe keeping, but I'm being watched nearly 24/7 so I've got to pick my moments to get it out. Fanny, you have to help me! Find out where I am and get me out of here! I'll keep my ears open and post again when I've gathered some more information. I'm too sexy to die!

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Quentin Clapper: Dutch Courage

Oh Fanny! Me and you getting married? That's HILARIOUS! But it reminds me of a book I got for you as a present, I'll post it to you later today.

Work is brilliant, I've managed to do over a few old queens, got loadsa cash, some jewellery, an i-phone, a notebook, and enough flavoured lube to fill the Herengracht! Originally I was just planning on making enough money to plan my trip home, but I like it here so much that I'm gonna stay. This is the life I was born to lead! Sure my arse is sorer than a baboon's most of the time and most morning's I wake up drenched in some fat old lardy bloke's sweat and cum but hey, it's a living!

I hope you're not too upset Fanny, I'm sure you will manage without me. Maybe you can come visit some day? Just fly over - if your wings are up to it that is. If not, well it was nice knowing you. Love to Aunty Hy and the pig, give my cousin a smash over the head from me.

Uhhhhhh-huh-huh-huuuuh!

Fanny Loveless: Montel Has Landed

Oh Hello there, i'm Aunty Hy!

Bloody Aunty Hy! Inviting Bloody bollocky Montel round! SQUAAAAAAK! Videos for your benefit, Quentin! As you can see they want us to get married! What a fucking joke!

Quentin Clapper: Two-Dicks in Amsterdam (and then some!)

Aunty Hyacinth! Oh Fanny you must be absolutely LOVING that, now be on your best behaviour. I would suggest knocking her off but knowing you it’ll be obvious and you’ll get thrown in jail and lose all the inheritance! Uh I’m such a bitch! When Montel arrives back you have to tell him everything about what I’ve been up to, it’ll drive him mad! Oh and try spiking his drinks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried it on with Aunty Hyacinth if you can get him off his face!

Anyway, Amsterdam is amazing, after I left the docks at Den Haag it didn’t take me long to hitch a ride. Since I figured none of these dirty foreigners could speak English, instead of writing a sign I just drew a picture of me in a suggestive position. Well anyway, some rough piece of trade in an Edam Lorry picked me up, and guess what – it turns out most people over their do speak English so they’re not so backwards after all! It only took about an hour to reach Amsterdam, and once we were there I paid him off on the top of a pile of stinky cheese and set off on my way!

Amsterdam is gorgeous, I mean really Fanny it’s pretty amazing, it makes Bristol look even worse if that's possible. The culture, the shopping, the atmosphere.... oh who am I kidding I've just spent the whole time in the red light district! Sex shops, brothels, saunas AMAZING it makes Old Market Street look like a cardboard box with a rat living in it. Well obviously I don't have any money but luckily I managed to get a job at a gay massage parlour. Gonna keep this one short and sweet as I have to get back to work, listen I'm gonna see if I can do a job over on one of the rich clients. WIll keep you updated!

Stay in touch!!!!!!

Fanny Loveless: What a ******** joke!

Quentin Clapper I can't BELIEVE you! We've all been absolutely worried sick that something might have happened to you. OK, not worried sick so much, just curious as if something bad had happened to you we would've liked to have seen it. SQUAAAAAAK!

Well it's no surpise to find you've been whoring yourself around, as per usual. Did you get any pics or video footage of the sailors? Why are all sailors raging homos anyway? What a fucking joke! While you're galloping off moose-style in Never-Never Land (I googled Amsterdam and that's where it is right?) I'm stuck here with the rest of the morons. Winnifred Bulldyke has been more annoying than ever trying it on with me every second of the day, and even worse my bloody Aunt Hyacinth has decided to visit! I'm sure I've told you about her before? She's the one that's absolutely LOADED but she's a total upper-class old bint and she does my head in! I have to pretend I'm a nice bird who doesn't drink or swear. And get this - she thinks you and me are going to get married! Fat clucking chance of THAT happening.

AND EVEN MORE WORSE at first when you went missing your cousin Pastor Zebra-Faced Phelps pissed off on a tour of the UK to go around preaching and annoying people, but Aunty Hy has only gone and bloody called him and asked him to come back to Bristol!!! She thinks as he's your cousin he might be able to help find you. I haven't told her you've got in touch yet as I was worried she might want to see what you've written and if she does she'll have a heart attack but not before a quick deathbed rewrite of her Last Will&Testanment taking away all my hard-earned cash that I'm entitled to... she's starting to get suspicious about the pearls as well I think.

Anyway, let me know what Amsterdam is like, I'll update you when Montel Twat-Faced Phelps arrives.

Quentin Clapper: Sea and Semen, er, Sea-men

Fanny you old slag! I just found your blog when idly googling for my own name again!

Firstly, I can't believe those cunts let me blow away and then didn't try to rescue me. Tossers! The wind was so rough and wild, I seemed to be in the air for hours. I must've passed out  when in the air as I just remember waking up and being wet. Really wet. Wetter than that time you pissed on me when you caught me slipping razor blades into your trill. I was floating in the salty, salty water and I could feel all my energy slipping from my nubile attractive body. Luckily, as I felt like I was about to meet the great reindeer in the sky I spotted a cargo ship drifting past, and so I summoned my last ounce of juice and hollered.

The shouting worked. The Cargo Ship had spotted me and it came to the rescue! A net was thrown overboard, and I was hauled on board. I think the sailors were disappointed at first as they thought I was some kind of exotic fish or tasty treat, little did they know that they were my tasty treat! There were three of them, all burly, built and bearded, and they were going to haul my cute ass back into the ocean when I started crying and begged them to let me stay on board. I don't think they understood English at all, but luckily they understood the international language of love, well lust, well, cock.

When they saw me seductively lick my lips and eye their bulges they knew were I was coming from. Before I knew it two of them were spit-roasting me and the third, the biggest one of the lot was wanking off into my face. After this terrible ordeal they let me sleep for a few hours, (I refer you to the pic above) but then they were constantly having their way with me every day and night. It was 4 days before we were ashore and I was knackered.

We pulled into a harbour at Den Haag, I remember as I thought "Hag, just like Fanny!" and I think they were planning on keeping me locked on board ship ready for when they set off again, but quite frankly, I was sick of their cocks and wanted some fresh meat - literally! So I was going to plan how to get back home but then I thought fuck it, when's the next time you're going to get this prime opportunity to go to Amsterdam, Cock Capital of the planet! So I strutted down to the nearest motorway or whatever the fuck they call their sorry excuses for roads in Holland and set about hitch hiking a ride!

Quentin does Amsterdam! I'll tell you more later! See you soon, say hi to my cousin for me and tell him where I am, he'll love that! Uhhhhhh-huh-huh-huuuuh!!!!!!!

Fanny Loveless: Desperately Seeking Quentin

Quentin Clapper. Less a man, and more a reindeer. Or maybe a moose. The reason for this blog in the first place. Let me explain....

It all started so well. I had fled Liverpool after local cops were under the mistaken impression that a string of arson attacks in the area may have been down to me. Utter bollocks of course. Just because I think that Twiggy's a stupid old cunt with a saggy turkey neck doesn't mean I'm gonna take my anger out on the local branches of M&S. So anyway, I fled Liverpool and arrived at Bristol, aka the UK's number 1 shit-hole. So I moved in with some gays who let me use their place to make my award-winning Fanny Factor videos, reviewing hit ITV show The X Factor.

And then Quentin moved in.

Quentin & I... or should that be me & Quentin... whatever... anyway we hit it off immediately. That's to say, I hit him immediately. He wound me up the wrong way. The little fucking tosser. Pissing me off when I'm filming the Fanny Factor, getting in my face, and so I beat him. But then he started fighting back. Drugging me, attacking me with baseball bats, you know the usual stuff.

Due to our constant fighting I was amused, happy, abso-fucking-lutely delighted when he was lost at sea in a wind-related accident. At first. I may be a masserkist. A masocrist. A... a.... oh fuck it, I may be someone who likes bad things happening to me(?) but I miss Quentin. I need him there to argue with, and to fight! My life is just not the same without him.

So if you're reading this Quentin, come the fuck back you little twat. And if someone else sees this who knows his whereabouts get in touch with me ASAP! I promise a reward! (A signed picture of me).

Cheers ma dears! SQUUUUUAAAAAAAAAKKKK!

Fanny Meets Aunt Hyacinth (Blooper 3)

Fanny Meets Aunt Hyacinth (Blooper 2)

Fanny Meets Aunt Hyacinth (Blooper 1)

Fanny Loveless: Meeting Aunty Hyacinth

Well, I'd been trying to avoid her but no such luck! Gotta keep her sweet cuz of the inheritance money. I think I totally managed to distract her away from the pearls as well, phew! It was Aunty Hy who gave me the idea to start this blog in the first place!

Fanny Loveless: Fanny Eats a Sandwich

When Quentin was around he was always playing silly little tricks on me, like this time when he gave me a poisoned sandwich for my How to Eat a Sandwich video (inspired by Youtube user Curiosity Rocks).

Fanny Loveless: At My Cunning Best

So, I was at home the other day with Jimmy (one of my owners) and he'd left his wallet on the table in front of me, packed with cash! Obviously a girl like me can't resist temptation like that! Luckily I was so sneaky I think I got away with it!

Hello

Now how the Fuck do you work this thing?