Quentin Clapper I can't BELIEVE you! We've all been absolutely worried sick that something might have happened to you. OK, not worried sick so much, just curious as if something bad had happened to you we would've liked to have seen it. SQUAAAAAAK!
Well it's no surpise to find you've been whoring yourself around, as per usual. Did you get any pics or video footage of the sailors? Why are all sailors raging homos anyway? What a fucking joke! While you're galloping off moose-style in Never-Never Land (I googled Amsterdam and that's where it is right?) I'm stuck here with the rest of the morons. Winnifred Bulldyke has been more annoying than ever trying it on with me every second of the day, and even worse my bloody Aunt Hyacinth has decided to visit! I'm sure I've told you about her before? She's the one that's absolutely LOADED but she's a total upper-class old bint and she does my head in! I have to pretend I'm a nice bird who doesn't drink or swear. And get this - she thinks you and me are going to get married! Fat clucking chance of THAT happening.
AND EVEN MORE WORSE at first when you went missing your cousin Pastor Zebra-Faced Phelps pissed off on a tour of the UK to go around preaching and annoying people, but Aunty Hy has only gone and bloody called him and asked him to come back to Bristol!!! She thinks as he's your cousin he might be able to help find you. I haven't told her you've got in touch yet as I was worried she might want to see what you've written and if she does she'll have a heart attack but not before a quick deathbed rewrite of her Last Will&Testanment taking away all my hard-earned cash that I'm entitled to... she's starting to get suspicious about the pearls as well I think.
Anyway, let me know what Amsterdam is like, I'll update you when Montel Twat-Faced Phelps arrives.
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